IN LIGHTER VEIN

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MEL’S VERSE

Part 3 - In Lighter Vein

Though poetry in modern times

Must be, it seems, in prose,

It can't replace the verse that rhymes

And with a metre flows.

It's true that metred rhyme alone

Provides no guarantee

That efforts better than my own

Are really poetry.

And so dear reader you will see,

My words good, bad or worse

Are never claimed as poetry,

I merely call them verse.

CONTENTS

Page 1 Contents

Page 2 Index to In Lighter Vein section.

Pages 1-33 Verse "In Lighter Vein".

PREFACE

This collection of my verse has accumulated over a number of years. Initially, short verse was written for inclusion in intercessions used in the Melville Anglican Church and eventually covered the whole of the 3 year cycle of readings. Those verses are included in the "Spiritual" section.

Other sections cover "Verse on a General Range of Subjects" and "Verse of a Personal Family Nature"

This section covers verse of a more humorous bent.

It should be noted that no pretence of poetry is made, only an honest attempt at rhyme and metre (see page 147). I have no doubt that much is somewhat trite, but hopefully some is less so.

Some verse was written for publication in the Australian Rose Annual and subsequently "A Rose Wish" was included in the book by Neville Passmore, Chrissy Morrissy and Al Kemp entitled "Roses WA".

A few years ago, I created a website with the aim of learning HTML coding and used my verse as subject matter. As a consequence, the site is now part of a USA based Rhyme and Metre web ring. Several verses now appear in different Christian websites. I also approved the use of a verse in a NZ garden nursery catalogue.

The writing of the verse has been of considerable therapeutic value and was largely done for my own benefit, in the same way some people might devote themselves to solving crossword puzzles.

Mel Austin

IN LIGHTER VEIN INDEX

A Christmas Test (H)

A Dangerous Drink (H)

A Dream (H)

A Funny Thing

A Good Idea (H)

A Matter of Convenience (G,H)

A Matter of Priority (H)

A Memory Jogger (H)

A Prayer (H)

A Prescription (H)

Believe It (H)

Bits of Nonsense (H)

Doctor's Orders (H)

30/31

Don't Mention His Ears (H)

28/29

Eye Eye (H)

Fertilizer (H)

Fertilizing (H,T)

Good News and Bad News (H)

I'm Not Deaf (H)

In Eye of Beholder (H)

In Limerick Style - 1 (H,T)

In Limerick Style - 2 (H)

In Limerick Style - 3 (H)

In Limerick Style - 4 (H)

Master of the House (H)

More Bits of Nonsense (H)

My Green Thumb (H,T)

New Year's Resolution

Nothing Wrong With Me (H,T)

Only Crazy (H)

Saga of Booragoon Probus (H)

26/27

Save? (H)

Simplified

The Gourmet (H,T)

The Report (H,T)

The Runaway (T)

The Sandals (H,T)

The Wrecker (H,T)

They're a Weird Mob

Too Pure (H,T)

Where are They? (H,T)

Wishful Thinking (H)

A FUNNY THING

A funny thing happened to me

On the way to fifty

Without my specs I cannot see

Legs move much less swiftly.

My youthful and my crowning hair

Like the years departed,

But yet I grow, through love I share,

Younger, not downhearted.

I'M NOT DEAF

I'm growing older, this I know

Though getting deaf? Not I

But you have started mumbling so,

Please tell me clearly, why?

NOTHING WRONG WITH ME

Where are my trousers? They are gone,

I've searched most carefully.

What's that you say? I've got them on?

But there's nothing wrong with me.

And now my glasses, goodness knows

Just where that they can be.

Oh no, not sitting on my nose,

Still, there's nothing wrong with me.

THE REPORT

Her first report our daughter brought

Most proudly home from school,

"Please sign it Dad", she asks as taught,

"It is the teacher's rule".

So with a flourish, Dad complies,

Mum asks, "What's wrong my dear?"

"He's scribbled on it", Daughter cries

And starts to shed a tear.

THE WRECKER

Beside Dad's car our hero played

A hammer wielding son

Some small adjustment then he made

To tail light number one.

To this young wrecker Mother said

"Just wait 'til Dad gets back

I'm sure he'll send you straight to bed

Perhaps you'll get a smack".

When Dad returns, Mum's voice so cold

Says "show Dad what you've done"

Whereon our lad does as he's told

And breaks the other one.

The moral of this story true

Is say just what you mean

For you can't blame a toddler who

Obedient has been.

FERTILIZING

Fertilized eggs and chicks, seeds, trees,

Bees busy pollinating

Our daughter found all things like these

Completely fascinating.

A happy couple then she spies

With baby soon arriving

"Oh look, I know", she loudly cries,

"See, they've been fertilizing".

WHERE ARE THEY?

A TV lover was our son

And ads he watched with glee

Which proves they're made for ev'ryone

With mental age of three.

A washing powder ad he saw

With enzymes chomping grime

Devouring dirt like nought before

To him it was sublime.

On washing day Mum sees our lad

Within the washer peer

He then replies to, "Why so sad?",

"They're gone, there's nothing here".

MY GREEN THUMB

Of all creations, tell me why

Did You O God create

The common cabbage butterfly

That white one gard'ners hate.

Their devastation I abhorred

Was more than I could stand,

So over ev'ry leaf I pored

And squashed the eggs by hand.

But then speaks out my darling wife,

"Put on your specs please do,

For they're not eggs, love of my life,

But caterpillars' poo".

My face was red, no pride remained,

I really felt a crumb,

Still, through my actions I obtained

A really fine green thumb.

THE RUNAWAY

Arriving home from work one day

I walked across the park

I saw a toddler 'cross the way

And it would soon be dark.

My little girl this could not be,

But yet I had to know

So turning round I ran to see

And found that it was so.

She saw me come and took to flight

A case clutched in her hand,

I took her home without a fight

But could not understand.

We asked our child "Why run away

And give us such a fright?"

Says she, "I said I wouldn't stay

And Mummy said alright".

Thenceforth we vowed that we would try

To listen when kids speak

For fear a careless made reply

Dire consequences wreak.

When time had passed, we laughed about

The way she did prepare,

She'd packed an apple and raincoat

And took her teddy bear.

THE GOURMET

Our younger grandson aged three,

Food critic of some renown,

Thought McDonald's fare to be,

With Red Rooster's, best in town.

The grandkids, parents and we

Went out one ev'ning to dine

To where you could plainly see

They had a menu quite fine.

Gourmet delights did abound,

'Though choosing hard as could be,

Our lad it could not confound,

"Mc Rooster I want", said he.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

Although to some it may sound queer,

My resolution each New Year

I always meet quite easily,

It's "not to make one" don't you see.

THE SANDALS

While fishing a friend said that he

His Jesus sandals wore,

Intrigued, the style I asked to see

And said "please tell me more".

He said that stones would lodge and make

Him suffer so much pain,

That wearing them he'd limp and take

The Saviour's name in vain.

TOO PURE

Some years ago, my wife and I

To college were invited

To view fine art and our reply

Was "we would be delighted".

Into a painting class we went,

The students' work inspected,

We thanked them all for their consent

Gave praise as was expected.

When we went out, my wife asked me

The model had I sighted,

I must confess I did not see

That lady though highlighted.

"She was", she said, "completely nude"

Which made me most downhearted,

"But I'm too pure, to stare is rude"

Was reason I imparted.

FERTILIZER

In my lawn dead patches I found,

I groaned in some dismay,

"It's fertilizing, I'll be bound

Too much of NPK".

Then exclaimed my trouble and strife

"It seems quite clear to me,

It is caused, O light of my life,

By common K9P".

A DANGEROUS DRINK

A native American brave

Was badly addicted to tea

Gallons he drank yet more did crave,

Most tragic you'll surely agree.

Our man, stone dead, one day was found;

Said inquest's official decree,

"It's clear this brave sadly has drowned

By accident, in his tepee".

WISHFUL THINKING

Old Richard confided to Patrick his friend

"My love life, I fear, may be nearing its end,

For what in my youth I managed all night,

In vain now I try 'til dawn's early light".

Old Pat with a smirk then started to say,

"Well I can make love nearly ev-ery day",

At this Richard's jaw dropped clear to the floor,

Said he "I'm in awe, so please tell me more".

"Too true" said Pat's wife, "but this I must tell,

It's nearly on Sunday, Monday as well,

And also on Tuesday and Wednesday too,

It's nearly each day the whole week through".

MASTER OF THE HOUSE

The crowd outside the Pearly Gates

Was large and noisy too

St Peter judging all those fates

Was wond'ring what to do.

As most were men, he did decide

To split these into two,

Instructed them on just which side

He wanted them to queue.

"Now on the left, please give me all

Who had their wife's respect,

Who ruled the roost, as men walked tall,

No less will Paul expect".

"But on the right, please stand the rest

Who lacked their wife's respect,

For they I fear have failed the test,

Those wimps and poor henpecked".

Amazed was Pete when this was done,

Said he, "This cannot be"'

For on the left there was but one

No others could he see.

"Sole master of your house", he cried

"Your secret won't you share?"

"I do not know" that mouse replied,

"My wife said Go Stand There!".

IN LIMERICK STYLE - 1

(true events)

A college of art I did tour

But saw not the model's allure

I'm told she was nude

But staring is rude

For such things I'm also too pure.

Where Oh where can my glasses be

Without my specs I cannot see

Then a mirror shows

They're perched on my nose

But there's nothing amiss with me.

There once was a husband called Mel

Who, "where are my trousers?" did yell

Replied his wife,

"Love of my life

You've got them on. Can't you tell?"

On wash day our son did recall

TV ads he loved best of all,

Where enzymes would munch

All grime for their lunch

"Where are they?" then came our lad's call.

IN LIMERICK STYLE - 2

(true events except one - guess which)

With caterpillars munching each day

By squashing eggs I joined in the fray

You can say I am dumb

But I got my green thumb

For 'twas poo I was smearing away.

Our daughter some facts was acquiring

Of birds. bees and nature's designing

A lady she spied

Whose tummy was wide

"She's been", said daughter, "fertilising".

Running Bear would drink only tea

And this he would do constantly

But dead he was found

For sadly he'd drowned

By accident, in his tepee.

There once was a worker called Mel

Who thought he'd done rather well

But relax said his boss

Leaving Mel at a loss

And now all the work's gone to hell.

IN LIMERICK STYLE - 3

(true events)

A toddler broke a left parking light

"I'll tell", said Mum, "your father tonight"

"Show Dad what you've done"

Said mother to son,

So he clobbered the one on the right.

Our daughter said, "I'll run away"

Said busy Mum, "yes that's OK"

She went with her case

Dad saw and gave chase

The moral is hear what kids say.

A chef with the title of Mel,

As to all his wife loves to tell,

Used a peeler on spuds

Then diligently scuds

To use it on onions as well.

In patches of brown my lawn died

"What can be the reason?", I cried.

"Too much NPK?",

I was heard to say,

"K9P" my dearest replied.

"Just trust me", said first-aider Mel,

"At training I did quite excel,

True, my finger I cut,

Applied a bandaid but,

To wrong finger, still what the hell".

EYE EYE

Young Jack took Jill one night to dine

He gave her hand a squeeze

The food was good and all went fine

Till Jill began to sneeze.

For Jill's glass eye at once flew out

Towards Jack's glass of port,

"Howzat?" came Jack's triumphant shout

As Jill's false eye he caught.

"It's yours I think" said gallant Jack,

Who gave a little bow,

"My dear", cooed Jill, who put it back,

"Let's go to my place now".

"This offer", Jack asked, "do you make

To all your dinner buy?"

"Oh no", cried Jill, "for goodness sake

Just those who catch my eye".

IN THE EYE OF BEHOLDER

For many years old Fred and Flo

Had lived in wedded bliss

Whenever Fred would come or go

He'd give a hug or kiss.

A doctor visit Fred arranged

Then seemed no more to care

For overnight our Fred had changed,

Embraces now quite rare.

So to the doctor in dismay

Flo went and firmly said,

"Whyever has he changed this way

What have you done to Fred?"

The doctor said "As husbands went

No fitter could Fred be,

But to the eye doc him I sent

For specs so he could see".

A MATTER OF CONVENIENCE

A "toilet" or a "lavat'ry"

Are words which seem quite clear

Then why so euphemistic'lly

Do other words we hear?

Some just apply where you may be

Like "can and "john" and "loo"

Some are crude, there's W.C.

And Aussie "dunny" too.

The "bath" and "restrooms" both seem so

Extremely strange to me,

It's not to bathe or rest I go

To that facility.

But "summer houses" I endorse;

In case you do not know

Summerfer women and of course

Summerfer men also.

IN LIMERICK STYLE - 4

A pompous young man prone to wander

Thought absence would make hearts grow fonder

But sadly he would find

Out of sight's out of mind

Alone now this fact he can ponder.

Old Fred for most of his life

Each day had kissed his dear wife

But the doc gave him specs

Now his kisses are pecks

And the doc's really in strife.

There once was a girl from Dee Why

Whose glass eye she didn't deny

You can get an embrace

When it falls out of place

But only by catching her eye.

Asked the man from North Ningaloo Reef,

"Why is pea soup not same as roast beef?"

"We don't know we all cried"

So he promptly replied,

"Well it's easy, you see, to roast beef".

There was an old man who'd been drinking

"No more", said the barman, "you're stinking".

"But I've lost my dear wife"

"Oh that's hard, that's real strife."

"She's not found me yet", slurred he winking.

A MATTER OF PRIORITY

True archers, Ted and Fred were keen

They practiced ev'ry day

Such dedication's seldom seen

As these would both display.

While shooting once, a hearse went past

So Ted then bared his head

Exclaiming, "Fred please stop, hold fast,

We must respect the dead".

Said Fred, "You're most respectful Ted",

He answered, "Well that's true,

But forty years we had been wed,

'Twas least that I could do".

GOOD and BAD NEWS

Fred loved his sport of archery

And asked his bishop friend

"In heaven do you think there'll be

A club I could attend?"

"Well bless my soul", the cleric said,

"I'm really at a loss

I'll make enquiries for you Fred

I'll have to ask the boss".

"I had some luck and got straight through",

The bishop said next day,

"I've news both good and bad for you

Which now I will relay".

"Toxophily, I have been told,

Is big, and as we speak,

The saints above are shooting gold

- You join the line next week".

BELIEVE IT

A sweet young thing to mother said,

While shedding many a tear,

"I can no longer marry Fred

He's atheist I fear.

He can't believe in hell, he said,

To him I can't belong",

But Mum replied, "Dear why not wed?

We will prove him wrong".

A DREAM

A friend said, "Mel, I dreamt last night

I stood at Heaven's Gate,

Outside that gate so pearly bright,

I waited on my fate.

Saint Peter said, 'First you must do

A five year penance son,

By caring for that woman who,

Though old, no sin has done'.

It could be worse, I did suppose,

I hadn't gone to hell,

But that old hag was on the nose,

And then I saw you, Mel.

A gorgeous blonde was by your side,

I noticed passing by,

It was not fair, I did decide

So said to Pete, pray why?

At this Saint Pete went really red,

'My reasons, I won't tell,

Just do your time and let,' he said,

The blonde do hers as well'.

A MEMORY JOGGER

A curate to his vicar said,

"Although it gives me grief,

My bike has gone from in the shed,

Our church must house a thief".

His boss said, "well here's what I'll do,

Next Sunday when I preach,

The ten commandments I'll review,

Perhaps your thief we'll reach".

"So when I say, Thou shalt not steal,

Each face you then observe,

For someone's guilt we may reveal

Through shame he must deserve".

The parson preached on Sunday morn,

Commandments ten in all,

Said thieves would wish they'd not been born

If they ignored the call.

The bike was back within a day,

The preacher saw with glee,

"I'll ask my curate straight away

If credit's due to me".

"So did commandments help, my son,

A conscience did they strike?"

"Er, yes I knew at seventh one

Just where I'd left my bike".

(look it up if necessary)

THEY'RE A WEIRD MOB

You Northerners are quite perverse,

A weird and crazy lot

To have your seasons in reverse

To what God's Country's got.

You speak of autumn or of fall,

Yet honeyeaters sing,

The wattle blooms and magpies call

To herald in the spring.

It's not your fault, we realise,

That you're confused down there,

Whilst we on top 'neath southern skies

Know springtime's in the air.

SAVE?

"Yes, Jesus Saves" the sign proclaimed

To Bill as he went by

"On my poor pension", Bill exclaimed,

"I'd like to see him try".

A PRAYER

Dear God I'm grateful I can say

I've not been grumpy this fine day,

No greed or anger have I shown

Or envied what is not my own.

I've not been mean in things I've said,

But soon I must get out of bed

And when I do, dear God, I'm sure

I'll need your help a great deal more.

ONLY CRAZY

A doctor parked his car beside

The psychiatric wing

When he came back he stared and cried,

"Just who's been tampering?"

"All nuts have gone from off one wheel,

I'm stuck for hours now.

Why would my nuts some nutter steal?

I must get back somehow."

A patient watching Doc's ordeal

Said, "three nuts are enough,

Just take one off each other wheel,

Then fixing it's not tough".

Said Medico, "I am amazed,

I did not think of that,

Yet you a patient were not fazed

And had the answer pat".

Replied our patient, "well you see

I used the brain I've got

For crazy, yes, I well may be

But stupid I am not".

A CHRISTMAS TEST

At Christmas time three blokes each quit

This mortal, earthly state

And waited for a halo fit

Outside the Pearly Gate.

"It is the boss's special day",

Said Peter with a grin,

"A Christmas game then let us play

Before I let you in".

"I'd like you now to each show me

A thing to represent

A symbol that has come to be

A part of this event".

From out his pocket, one man drew

Two matches which he lit.

Said Pete, "They're candles, pass on through,

Your halo now will fit".

The next man searched his pockets too

And shook a bunch of keys.

"They're bells", said Peter, go on through,

Now for the last one please".

From out his pocket, this man took

Some scanties, held on high.

"What's this?" said Pete with puzzled look,

"They're Carol's", came reply.

A GOOD IDEA

A man who lived across the street

Would kiss his wife each time they'd meet,

To husband Mel said green eyed Pat,

"Oh could not you Mel, act like that?"

"My word", said he, "that would be great'

But till I know her, should I wait?"

A PRESCRIPTION

"Well, you've got water on the knee"

To me the doctor said,

"But only treatment needs to be

A tap upon the head".

(or)

There was a man called Ned

To whom his doctor said,

"You've water on the knee

And treatment needs to be

A tap upon your head".

SIMPLIFIED

Our cousins from the USA,

Who being bored one rainy day,

Decided then they should reform

The English language from the norm.

"In 'travelling' let's drop an L

And while we're at it, what the ....',

In 'colour' we don't need the U

So we, therefore, can drop that too".

Well up to then, all's going great,

Till someone said, "Hang on just wait,

Our intellect we need to show

Let's use the longest words we know.

A simple 'lift' we can deride

When 'elevators' we can ride,

Why turn a 'tap', when golly gosh,

A 'faucet' sounds so jolly posh.

(cont'd p25)

SIMPLIFIED (cont'd)

Our motor cars we won't demean

With 'petrol', but use 'gasoline',

And call it 'gas' so to confuse

All those who LP Gas might use.

We cannot live in just a 'flat'

We'll use 'apartment' now for that;

A 'flat' can mean deflated tyre

Except we'll spell it 'tire' like fire.

An 'automobile' sounds by far

Much better than a common car;

Despite its meaning, no remorse,

We'll say 'entree' is our main course.

Now English we have simplified,

Let's promulgate it far and wide,

It's for your good and not from spite,

But won't it serve those Limeys right."

SAGA of PROBUS BOORAGOON

We're men from Probus Booragoon

And merry blokes we be

And though each other we lampoon

The best of mates are we.

A finer body of such men

One simply could not find,

A man complete there must be when

Together we're combined.

Just like an eagle we still see,

Our memories spot on,

"My glasses now, where can they be?

I had them, now they're gone".

Our hearing's fine, don't mumble though

And hey, no need to shout,

Our hearing aids just whistle so

They're drowning all else out.

Our daytime doze we needs must take,

Admittedly it's true,

'Cause through the night we always wake

For visits to the loo.

With just that little snooze each day

Our brains are sound and keen,

And not "as new" as some would say

'Cause used they've never been.

(cont'd p27)

SAGA of PROBUS BOORAGOON

(cont'd)

We entered in a running race,

Got booed by all the crowd,

We had no trouble with the pace

But sticks were not allowed.

And as for lovers, we're the best,

Though boasting is not right,

For we make love, would you have guessed,

Most nearly ev'ry night?

Just ask our wives, it's all quite true,

We're sure that they will say,

"Yes nearly Monday, Tuesday too,

Just nearly ev'ry day".

We love a laugh and cheerfully

On outings often go,

We eat our cake and drink our tea

And watch our waistlines grow.

But second childhood jokes apart,

We all feel young inside,

Within each single mind and heart

The boys we were reside.

DON'T MENTION HIS EARS

Beyond the well known stump of black

Where hell is scarce as hot,

Went Irish Pat and Pommy Jack

And Jock, (what else?) a Scot.

They found a pub and asked for beer,

And seated at the bar,

They saw a tough with ne'er an ear,

His face like one big scar.

The barman softly warned our three

"That's Knuckles over there

His ears were bitten fighting see,

He's sensitive, don't stare.

I've seen him thrash a fellow who

Did nothing more than look,

So drink your beer and then shoot through

Before he makes you crook".

Our friends agreed they would not peek

But had a drink or two,

Which caused them all to sticky beak,

An action they would rue.

(cont'd p29)

DON'T MENTION HIS EARS (cont'd)

"Hey you!", yelled Knuckles to poor Jack,

"I saw you smirk and stare".

"Er, well old chap", Jack stammered back,

"I but admired your hair.

With hair like that, you must take care",

"Why what is that to you?"

"Well I am bald and wigs must wear,

Protect your hair please do".

Said Jock, put next upon the spot,

"Your smile is all I saw,

Preserve your teeth, I'd give a lot,

To wear false teeth no more".

"OK", said Knuckles then to Pat,

"Your story now, no lies",

"Well I was only looking at

Your lovely big brown eyes.

If you don't care for them I fear

You'll need some specs like me,

And you've not got a single ear

To hook them on you see".

DOCTOR'S ORDERS

A husband had been feeling crook,

To doctor wouldn't go,

Exclaimed his wife, "You're just a sook,

What ails you, we must know".

A full exam was carried out,

The quack said, "Deary me,

That you're quite ill, there is no doubt,

Get dressed, your wife I'll see".

The doctor to the wife then said,

"Your husband needs much care,

If he has stress he'll soon be dead,

But do not yet despair.

Respect that he's the household head

And must have his own way,

From you, no cross word must be said,

Keep calm through come what may.

(cont'd p31)

DOCTOR'S ORDERS (cont'd)

Now always look your best for him,

And dress in pretty style,

Make frequent love, indulge each whim,

And never frown, just smile.

Lay out his clothes for him to wear,

Don't let him do a thing,

His favourite tucker prepare,

Just treat him like a king.

If you will follow what I say

At least a year or more,

Your husband will improve each day

And will get well I'm sure".

The husband asked when homeward bound,

"What did the doc say dear?"

The wife replied with gloom profound,

"You're gunna die I fear".

BITS OF NONSENSE

Young Mel to his mirror was saying

"Who is it that you are displaying?

For his face needs an iron

And his pate has a shine

He's old and it's downright dismaying".

From himself, Mel's age was concealing

So thought he would dance on the ceiling

But he fell on his head

And he straightaway said

"Elsewhere would have caused a bad feeling".

Two daughters-in-law named Fay and Pat

With father-in-law sat down to chat

Though "Pat" he meant to say

Dad started saying Fay

So Patricia, quite peeved, was called "Fat"

Said pretty young lady called Sarah

"The ocean is such a big scarer

Terra firma for me

And the firma it be

Then plainly there'll be much less terra"

MORE BITS of NONSENSE

The Probus Choir

A choir from Probus Booragoon

Sure tried like hell to sing in tune

But we cried "don't persist

For you sound like you're... (er drunk)

Desisting would be such a boon".

(or)

The choir from club Probus did persist

To sing in those keys which don't exist,

Cried lads from Booragoon,

"Desist and grant a boon,

For you sound like you're mightily .... ( er drunk)".

(or)

Our Probus Choir did once persist
To sing in keys which don't exist
Cried lads from Booragoon
"Desist or sing in tune,
You sound like you're all bloody.... ( er drunk)"

On Cue

"Oh Doctor, Doctor what can I do

I'm a snooker ball and know it's true."

"Oh well, that's not so bad

Far worse cases I've had,

You can go to the front of the cue (queue)".